What would you do if someone looked you dead in the face and said,
“If I were in your shoes, I’d kill myself”?
Yeah. That happened.
More than once, actually.
The first time, I was in shock.
The second time, I started to unravel.
The third time… I couldn’t even pretend to laugh it off.
Because let’s be honest… how the hell are you supposed to respond to something like that?
What that person is really saying is:
“I pity you. I don’t see your life as worth living. I wouldn’t want to exist as you.”
And when you’re already fighting for your life… mentally, emotionally, and physically…
comments like that feel like gasoline on an already burning fire in your soul.
Do I have bad days? Of course.
Days where I break down, ask God why this happened to me?
Wonder if this is karma for something I’ve done?
Maybe it was because I left my ex-husband instead of trying harder.
Maybe it was revenge for cheating on my son’s father after he cheated on me.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t visit my grandmother enough when she was dying in the same kind of place I ended up in.
I don’t know.
I try to be a good person.
But somehow, life handed me this heavy-ass cross to carry.
I’ve known the dark.
I’ve felt the pull of suicide… twice.
Once as a preteen,
and once as an adult when the weight of worthlessness felt too much to hold.
My mother raised me to feel like a burden.
Always too much, never enough.
Always pushed aside.
Always begging for her love.
So when strangers tell me they’d rather die than live my life,
yeah, it messes with my head.
Even for someone as strong as me.
But here’s what they don’t see:
It would be easy to give up.
To escape the pain.
But that pain doesn’t disappear… it just gets passed on to my kids.
And wheelchair or not,
I’m a damn good mom.
No, I can’t run after them or carry them on my back.
But I’ve built a home from scratch.
A life full of laughter.
A sanctuary of joy and healing.
A place where we survive together.
So don’t you dare look at me with pity.
I’ve earned every smile I wear.
Every breath I take.
Every damn inch of progress I make through pain, spasms, and struggle.
You say you’d kill yourself if you were me?
I say I live every day like the badass I am.
Because it would be easy to focus on everything I lost.
But I choose to look at what I’ve gained.
By: Krystina | #WheelStrong
What have you gained from your pain?