By Krystina | #Wheelstrong

People have told me lately,

“There’s a sadness behind your eyes.”

And truth is… they’re not wrong.

That sadness has lived in me my whole life.
Even in moments where I smile, laugh, carry on.
Even when I look strong. Especially then.

I’ve had good moments. Beautiful ones.
But I’ve also had a lot of really fucked up things happen along the way.

I was a mistake, not planned….
My mother told she should’ve aborted me.
She didn’t.

But both she and my father were addicted to drugs.
My father also did other unthinkable things.
I grew up in a house full of pain….
physical, emotional, sexual abuse.
That was my foundation.

At 12 years old, I almost died from a medical emergency.
I ended up in a foster home.

The only people who really became parents to me….
my grandparents…. adopted me.
And then I lost them both, six years ago.

It shattered me.

I dropped out of school.
Got my GED.
Went to college.
Worked four jobs.
Fell in love, got married, had my daughter.
But my husband and I….too young, too much damage….
We fell apart. His drug use didn’t help.

Still… he gave me my first greatest gift. My daughter.

After that, life kept swinging.
I lost my grandparents.
Tried to take my own life.
Survived. Barely.
Ended up in the hospital—
where I found out I had a curable STD and cervical cancer.

I was still working three jobs.
And I had just learned the man I loved had cheated on me….
unprotected. That betrayal nearly broke me.

Then… came the car accident.
And my world changed forever.

I was left paralyzed. A C6 quadriplegic.
I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe on my own at first.
I was abandoned by almost everyone.
Left in a nursing home….
where I faced neglect, almost died multiple times,
and endured shit no human should ever endure.

Except for my kids.
They never gave up on me.
Not once.

And then the man I thought I’d spend forever with….
walked away too. Told me,

“The girl I loved died the night of the accident.”

And maybe he was right…
That girl did die.
But the woman who rose from her ashes?

She’s different.

I gained weight.
I got sick.
I tried to eat my pain away, drown myself in Netflix,
in anything that would numb me from my reality.

But come the weekend?
I put on a smile.
Put on my “strong mommy” shoes.
Took my kids out. Made memories.
Gave them everything I never had growing up.

I was broken inside. Hanging on by threads.
And if it wasn’t for those two children…
I would’ve died a long time ago.

So yeah…. there’s a sadness in my eyes.
A sadness that’s been earned.
A sadness stitched into my soul like a scar that never fades.

But if you see me with my kids?
You’ll never see it.
They are the joy in my life.
They are my reason.

And even when I gave up on myself…
I never gave up on them.